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Fuck it

  • Dec. 19th, 2012 at 11:10 PM

I am sick and tired of being perceived as the bad guy. I express my admament desire to see you before Christmas because it's better than nothing. You know how I am during the winter months. You are aware of my condition, and how needy I get or my behavior starts to turn towards the poor direction. So, since I can't have the pleasure to see you becuase you always have something or your parents control your every move, I work myself ragid because it will prevent me from behaving badly in ALL aspects.

I talk about you all the time, but sometimes you seem imaginary to me like I'm making you up because you're never around. You don't get it. I'm 23, it shouldn't be a treat that my gf stayed over twice this week. Yes, we are only three days in with break but once school starts I will be busier than you. I'm not saying that I need to see you 24/7, because if I did I'd probably try to kill you (no lie). I don't think you understand that you should value the time you have with me now because I will refuse to sacrifice time to look for a job, or work on my thesis for you. You're not worth it. No one is. Work, thesis, job search, and internship. Those are my priorities now.

Don't get all heated up or sappy because I'm actually telling you how I feel. Telling you in the manner the way that I am is the only way you listen. When I ask nicely you don't think I'm serious. You think everything is a joke with me. You think you listen when I'm calm but you don't because you go RIGHT back to what I ask you not to do or to be conscious of.

Now I think I'm going to just stop telling you whats on my mind because everytime you do there is always waterworks. I'm always overreacting or I'm not being fair.

Welcome to life. When has it been fair to me?

Just fuck it all.

Obsession of Innocence

  • Jun. 17th, 2011 at 10:22 PM

Innocence is beautiful. Nothing is expected, but 100% of all information becomes protected to your eyes. When you’re innocent they want you to see all but good, no bad. Once that bad becomes an influence, or even if your virgin eye glances at the taboo, everyone loses respect for you, you’re treated just like everyone else. You’re an adult, or trying to be at least, but you’re only 13 so you’re not going anywhere, you’re just not as special as you once were, when anybody would wipe your ass and hold you in moments of time that felt like forever.
Then being faced with what is real, aside from fantasy, you’re overwhelmed, pressured and judged for every single thing you do. You have to grow up, take responsibility, prove yourself to be something significant just so you can go to the movies with that guy you’ve been staring at all week.
When you’re innocent, you’re limitless. There are no boundaries because you don’t look for them, you’re carefree and your imaginative consciousness is your playground.
Innocence to me is magic. Even in high school, the entire four years I was a virgin. Once I lost it with Jewls, I felt older, but in that “oh yeah look at me mentality”. It wasn’t until the start of my sophomore year in college, that things made a turn. After that time span, I had cheated for the first time, had sex with two people, was close to a minor, I couldn’t stop feeding on all of this…evil.
Don’t get me wrong, for those who don’t know if done the right way, sex is amazing. I’m talking about being with that one person you’ve always wanted, with bodies pressed perfectly, rhythmically connecting to every single nerve in your body as you respond to every motion making eye contact with each other. Yes it sounds cliché, but once you experience that moment you can’t say anything, and your entire innocence is gone and sent through their eyes.

Making you theirs until they are done with you.
Innocence is almost like ignorance, because you are clouded with what truth is outside of your perfect world. It’s like a lack of experience that takes time. That is what I hate the most about innocence, it is not permanent. That is my biggest reason on why I’m obsessed with innocence, it can fade away.
Guess that is why I obsess over love, that can fade to, but it can blossom into something beautiful; self love, or realizing that the dick who left you, wasn’t worth your time. Innocence doesn’t give you that.
Innocence inspires you. It’s what starts us to wonder what’s out there. We just make the mistake that innocence is primitive, when in fact, It’s one of the most beautiful things in the world.
I’d do anything to have innocence back just for a moment

Jun. 17th, 2011

  • 3:36 PM

I got sick at five in the morning....I'm beyond out of it..I've never experienced this before.....

No more drugs.


  • Jun. 16th, 2011 at 3:23 PM

Why is this happening to me? What did I ever do wrong to you to make you think that every female I speak to is a threat.

They're not.
They know I love you.
Why can't you get that?

Oh well, I just hope this is the end, that we really start over or...
This will honestly be a shitty marriage if one of us continues to be this way.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


Haha ok 2010...fuck you! lol

  • Mar. 12th, 2010 at 12:53 PM

This year, has been beyond a roller coaster. it has been sky diving without a fucking parachute and I'd know because I've been sky diving! lol. I'll have good things go well and bad things just plummet and break my heart over and over again. Its just a constant battle with my body and soul. My soul almost died, but thank god physical activity revived it and made me physically attractive again lol.
So I'm in Ireland...Been here since Jan. Since then, I've dropped 25 lbs...and stayed there lol. Still want my highschool body but instead I look like I'm aspiring to be a power lifter or something lol. I'm just looking at this year as one big laugh because I swear Ashton better come out and tell me I've been punked and that everything will be ok. I know thats not the case for me, but hey, I can be foolish for at least one second and believe that right? lol yeah no.

Love...... I don't understand it anymore. I know that I know how to love, but is it possible that other people cant? Or people just can't love me? I don't know. One thing that I am inlove with never lets me down; Music. I want to get voice lessons and be a singer. I can sing decent Ive been doing some open mic nights, some jam sessions with other artists, its good fun aside from all the rugby games and lifting session I've done here. Class, doesnt exist in Ireland lol..I love it lol I don't know. I'm not giving up on love, but I'm a girl, so I'm picky..there is only one person I have in mind. I can only hope. I feel like I'm good enough but does she? Who the fuck knows.

Anywho. I'm a strong girl, phys. and emotionally. can't wait for the season back home, that is if I have a real team and not a band of pussies who argue all the god damn time. that team is way to emotional. I can only hope for my life to make a turn. This year was suppose to be epic I turn 21 for pete's sake lol. Idk...I just dont know anymore.

Optimism is my friend...I guess.

holy beef...not cow

  • May. 3rd, 2009 at 11:41 PM

So as I am procrastinating on two very important papers, one ten the other six, with the other amount of three very challenging exams for me. I just have to speak out on here. I'm sure no one really uses this anymore, so I feel safe to just spill out whats on my mind.

I've learned so much this year.

The first thing I've learned is that it is perfectly ok to keep your guard up, because in the end it has the possibility to end horribly. And to leave you 1500 dollars deeper in debt than you already are.

I have learned that it is ok to stand for what I believe in, even though its still slightly difficult. Knowing that I have the option is still somewhat of a bonus. I'm hoping the things I've been doing will give me strength.

I have learned that I probably value life more than any other person in the world. Seeing someone almost go before my eyes multiple times and just coming out of deepest depression in my life has uplifted me and made me more confident.

I accept my body. I know it can be changed but I gained weight because I was happy and I'm not gonna hate one bit.

I have learned that there is one girl that really loves me for who I am and who I want to be. That is my mini support system and not just because she is 5'2", but because she knows when to give me space, and when to hold me when I need it most. God I love her. I just have a big problem of consistently showing it.

I learned that I def, cannot trust everyone and I don't plan to anymore. Sometimes I can get stabbed in the back, but deep down, its ok because I no longer care on who has the little daggers in their hand. I'm more concerned of the swords that can pierce through my body and leave me breathless and unable to make it through.

I love myself. I think I'm pretty awesome, and the people who accept that are even better than me just for accepting my newly ego-centric behavior lol.

I do miss old friends, but they are not old to me, but vintage. They will never be out of style, and I can always pick up where I left off so for that I thank you.

The last thing I learned...... God does listen.
Me? Lauren Elizabeth is talking about God? yea. am I uber religious now? Fuck no. lol. I just finally have respect for him/her and see him/her as a friend. My new best friend. The best listener ever. and thats ok with me :)

Jan. 4th, 2008

  • 11:34 PM

I need to get my life together and stop being mad at people.

ok Im done.


  • May. 5th, 2007 at 7:14 PM

I want to know what it was like on ur first day of highschool. be really descriptive I'm interested. and then later, I'll tell u about mine

k bye!

I have a new fav. song to sing lol

  • Feb. 18th, 2007 at 8:59 PM

"Aint no sunshine when she's gone"-Al Green

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
it's not warm when she's away.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
and she's always gone too long
anytime she goes away.

Wonder, this time where she's gone,
wonder if she's gonna stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
and this house just ain't no home,
anytime she goes away.

And i know,i know, i know, i know, i know
i know,i know, i know, i know, i know
i know,i know, i know, i know, i know
i know,i know, i know, i know, i know
i know, hey i ought to leave the young thing alone,

But ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
only darkness everyday.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
and this house just ain't no home,
anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away, anytime she goes away
Anytime she goes away......

This reminds me of a lot of my friends who are troubled or just need someone to be there for them and are left in the cold from their family. Just dl this song, sing it. just hang on. Dont give up.

I love you all

Oh that American Idol..

  • Jan. 16th, 2007 at 8:00 PM

I have that feeling that I can't bother anyone for the next 1-2 hours....because American Idol is on.

So I'll just join everyone..